The 7 Books You Should Never Read

I think I’m going to have every day have a certain topic so every Thursday will have a post with some sort of list. Sunday will probably be a recap of my week or an update on my life so it doesn’t clutter the rest of the posts. It is unlikely that I will post everyday but I’ll try and skip on days that I don’t have anything interesting to say anyway. Who knows what Friday will bring… seriously though I haven’t figured it out yet.

I have taken several literature or English classes over my high school and college career and the only thing that any of them has taught me is that there are books out there that suck more dick than Justin Bieber. But people will insist that they are classics or are absolutely essential to your life as you know it. And they’re not just talking about classics. However, THEY ARE WRONG. And I like to read. I even like the boring stuff; I’m a bit of a history buff. But the books listed below are truly awful. So here they are! Read for you, by me, so you don’t have to.

7. Haroun and the Sea of Stories

by Salman Rushdie

I’m leaving this one at number 7 because its technically a children’s book and really can’t help its awfulness.

Saying that, its terrible. Like stab yourself in the eye terrible except add like 30 more characters and 7 with the same name and you have yourself Haroun and the Sea of Stories. There are seriously like 5 characters with the name, Butt, although one adds an “e” at the end to help differentiate (Thanks Rushdie). The whole story is horribly convoluted and insanely confusing with light sides and dark sides used in ways infinitely less awesome than Star Wars. Proof of this is that they are called Chup and Gup and I’ m honestly not sure which one is which. Only that one wants to destroy all stories and the other one has a genie that turned off his imagination faucet.

So thats what they call them these days...

Thankfully, its pretty short but its soooo confusing and convoluted like the author was purposefully trying to write a book for kids to hate. Wikipedia says he wrote it for his son but I can’t help but think that his kid punched him the nuts afterwards for payback.

6. A Separate Peace

by John Knowles

I read this in my 9th grade English class and part of my hatred of it comes from my teacher’s insatiable desire for homoeroticism. And I got nothing against the gays out there, they party hard and are denied their rights even harder.

This is what all gay people look like, right?

But I do not want to hear about how Gene and Finny got in on all over their school and how Gene liked to admire Finny’s “rippling chest muscles” (possible quote) Maybe they were gay for each other, maybe not. That’s like a one class discussion! Not a 3 week discussion. There are other things to comment on in the book.

And moving on from that tangent. The reason why this book sucks is mostly because of the plot and the polarization of the two main characters. For a brief summary so *SPOILER*: Gene and Finny are best friends but Finny is perfect and Gene is nerdy. Jumping off a tree into a river and Gene maybe pushes Finny off so he fucks up his leg. Oops but its fine cause Finny doesn’t blame him, etc. Later when Gene is accused by this random, also possibly gay, asshole Finny runs away and breaks his leg again. They apologize, hug, make love, whatever but Finny’s bone surgery kills him.

BAM! Finny dies. What the hell is with the bad luck??? Regardless of whether or not Gene pushed Finny off the first thing, he just plain fell down the second. Also, the book is bad cause one character is, no joke, perfect and the other is a conniving bastard who tries to kill his best friend! That’s just bad character development.

I was going to get a picture of kittens for you to make you feel better but this is infinitely better!

5. Wuthering Heights

by Emily Brontë

This one is a classic and that’s why I read it back in like 7th grade. It was a little intense for me at that point but what struck me was that it was an absolute soap opera! Everyone dies at the exact right moment for maximum drama and nothing works out until its the worst possible time.

Look at the seriousness on her face! SHE IS AN ACTRESS!

There are also a ridiculous amount of characters, not helped by the women popping out babies every 5 minutes. And its kind of long book and its stretches over like 30 years so its a lot of time for drama to unfold. There’s like an original family that adopts a gypsy kid who falls in love with the girl but is hated by the boy. The boy takes over the house, screws with the gypsy kid. Girl becomes a lady, ends up with random noble. BABY! Death girl and some more random kids… it just goes on and on. And, honestly, its kind of boring. Its exactly like a soap opera; there’s dramatic music and lots of things are happening but you still don’t really want to watch it.

This is what happens when you Google Wuthering Heights.

And since I really don’t feel like explaining the complexity of this book anymore, we’re moving on!

4. Great Expectations

by Charles Dickens

This is another one of those books with ridiculous plots that makes you feel like you’ve accomplished nothing over the extremely long time it took you to read it. The main character, Pip, starts out poor and goes on this long journey funded *Spoiler* by the convict he freed. His greatest dream was to be high-class and rich because he wanted the snobby rich-girl next door to love him. He ends up finding out the girl is a bitch and falls in love with this random other girl who… wait for it… marries his sister’s (who has brain injury now for some reason) ex-husband. And he ends up alone but apparently with some sort of moral.

The bad part of this book is that Charles Dickens describes everything. And not just things that are going to be used later or are important to the story. I mean like a door that is never opened or a button on a passerby’s coat! He spends pages describing in, admittedly, fantastic detail but it doesn’t even matter so its just makes the book longer. This was another 9th grade book for me and I fucking hated every second of it. It was also a summer reading book so it was being read when there was sun outside and freedom was pulling at my heartstrings. That certainly didn’t help its case.

The plot also sucks. We talked about it. It sucks. Pretty much end of story.

3. The Harry Potter Series

by J.K. Rowling

I know I’m going to get a lot of shit for this but its sort of true. I read them when I was a kid and I loved them, well except when Harry got emo and Rowling started killing every character except for the important ones. They’re probably good for kids as long as they are read at age appropriate times (no 5 year old wants to see Hedwig die… wait till they’re like 15. They’ll be ready then). But Rowling sucks at writing… its completely true and her books are not for adults no matter what her last couple say.

This is like the 4th picture that comes up...

I grew up with these books, my brother and I waited patiently for our letter to Hogwarts for like 5 years, but once you’re an adult please don’t read them. I have no idea why people think they’re so good or how they’ve sold more copies than the fucking Bible. And I’m not going to even go into how I think Harry should’ve fucking died or how she color coded her villains or the fucking TIME TURNER.

Everyone is so stereotypical, all Slytherins are evil and all Gryffindors and good. Who gives a shit about anybody in the other houses, they’re just pussies. Oh, and every time Harry had to defeat something he learned its secret like the day before in class. I don’t know about you but I have never learned anything in school that immediately paid off. Its usually never or I only need it after I forget it. For some reason that just annoyed me.

In case anyone forgot Harry Potter fucked a horse.

2. Twilight Series,

by Stephenie Meyer

I’m on a roll with these modern series but Twilight definitely has to be my least favorite of the two. I liked Harry Potter at some point and as an adult I realized it kind of sucked. Twilight is awful no matter the age or perspective.

Am I honestly the only freaked out by this picture?

I read it before it was cool cause my artsy, in-the-clouds friend told me it was good. I was a bit past the pre-teen faze but I thought I’d give it a shot. It didn’t go well… I’m sure everyone knows the plot by now but its essentially a whiny girl in love with a whiny boy. Add the complete bastardization of vampires and you get the sparkliest piece of crap imaginable. Saying that, I was convinced to read the second one, which involved some intense bartering. This one was actually worse and I only got halfway before I threw the book out the window. So no one can fault me for not doing my homework! I suffered through it.

Twilight is bad because it is some girl’s day dream filled with romance and pining and all the sort of unrealistic shit that pre-teens think about. Only Stephenie Meyer isn’t 12, she’s like 35!  Bella, the main character apparently, spends like half of the second book crying and pining for Edward, shiny vampire. Its seriously like months! I’ve had breakups and I’ve heard of pretty bad ones but I don’t think anyone I know would pine that long. Its not even misogynistic so much as just an example of a pathetic woman. Stephenie literally thinks women should do this but only because they are just sooooo in love with this one guy. Grow a set and move the fuck on. There’s seriously a dude down the street who will bone you…

Why hello...

Also I’m pretty sure the series ends with a baby ripping its way out of Bella’s womb and ^that guy^ having sex with it…

1. Tess of the D’Urbervilles

by Thomas Harding

Back to the classics and this was another book I read for high school, English Lit I believe. This book is long… like really long and boring. Basically, Tess gets raped by her “cousin”, gets preggers, baby dies and a priest won’t bury it cause its a bastard. That sucks but wait, there’s more! So she marries this dude named Angel (I know…) but he finds out she was raped and leaves her for Brazil cause she’s not a virgin. She’s sad, goes to work on a dairy farm for some reason, everything’s alright until she goes to work in the north in fields for like 3 years. This makes her super ill and Angel, in Brazil still, in unable to return because he has like Typhoid or something but he really wants to. By the time he gets back, Tess is dead and he hooks up with her sister… maybe.

Well that's not too bad... She's kinda hot.

The book is actually misogynistic because she was raped and she still thinks its her fault. She blames herself for her douchebag of a husband leaving her and for her problems on the farm, everything! Harding makes her into a weak, simpering character when she should have been a strong role model. Its bad character development and its bad storytelling. Its also incredibly depressing. You spend the whole book feeling sorry for her and getting gradually closer to her happiness and then she fucking dies! Just like that.

It involves men in cloaks but this is what I imagine got her.

It follows Dickens’ example with crazy amounts of descriptions that don’t matter and pages and pages of scenery. Scenery that Tess passes by and never sees again. So its boring and misogynistic and depressing. Don’t read it.

And we’re done! Fuck this was long… Next time it’ll probably be shorter.

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