The 5 Days of the Year to Hide From

Let’s be honest, no one wants to deal with certain days and I don’t mean Mondays. I’m talking about the holidays and events that you want to forget exist and run from at every turn. The days where you just want to stay in your pjs and burrow into your covers. This is a list of days you should just stay inside for.

Look a calendar!

5. April Fool’s Day

April 1st

This one is complicated because it depends on if you have friends that are any fun and whether or not you’re any fun. However, if you don’t celebrate April Fool’s Day then not only are you lame but you can also just skip to the next one. I personally love April Fool’s Day but my friends are evil and I usually hide in my room for the day. The secret is to set up the prank at odd hours of the day so you can spend the busy parts of the day hiding from possible pranks. For example, you should probably just skip a shower for the day. You won’t smell that bad and for 2 years in a row in college I chose to ignore this advice, took a shower and found not only my towel gone but my door locked. I lived in a dorm so this meant that I was like 60 feet from my room, which I didn’t know was locked, and had nothing to cover myself with to get back to my room. I took the shower curtain… actually permanently because I wanted a souvenir. You would’ve thought that I would learn from the first time but the next year rolled around and I was naked and stranded again.

What the hell, guys?

Another reason comes from a prank I played on one of my roommates, a girl. She left our apartment to go to class and my plan began to unfold. I told her to hole up in her room and wait it out but noooooo she had to go to Orgo. Fuck Orgo, she was going to suffer for being a good student. Now, I have a friend who is kind of big…..  but he’s really comfortable with himself and agreed to participate in my prank. First, I took her bed apart. I took the frame apart and spread the pieces around the apartment, the building, friend’s apartment, the neighborhood, even in a classroom. Her bedding was also spread around. The mattress had a special job, I hid that in my friend’s dorm room and I set up a scavenger hunt to find it. When she got there she was met with my big friend…. completely naked. And if she hadn’t left the building then she would not have wasted 2 hours looking for her bed.

So just pull your pranks and spend the rest of the day hiding from your friends sadism.

4. Columbus Day

Second Monday in October

The school system knows that you don’t want to leave your house for this holiday cause they give you the day off. And this one is a combination of what people generally do for the holiday and for the reason why it is celebrated. First off, this is more for college students who cling to the few days off that they have and tend to go a bit crazy on long weekends. I literally do not remember the majority of the last 3 Columbus Day weekends.

I want to say I'm Bradley Cooper in this but I'm really more of a Zach Galifianakis.

Every year, I promise myself that I’ll just sleep all weekend and try to recover from studying and classes but every time I am seduced by the sweet songs of a long weekend. Now, I’m not really into the whole heavy drugs thing so I pretty much stick to alcohol but if you drink enough of it memory gets to be a problem. This is more for the weekend but just stay inside. Don’t go out and party cause everyone goes home so there aren’t even that many parties and you’re just going to end up doing stupid shit. Sleep in or be a good student and study!

Now onto the holiday’s subject. Christopher Columbus was not really the nicest guy ever and he didn’t really discover America… The Vikings got there in like the 10th century, not to mention the Native Americas that had been living there for centuries. Columbus sauntered over in 1492 and landed in the Caribbean, not even the mainland.

Yeah, this guy looks legit...

This is also important: Columbus killed pretty much all of the natives he found. He coined the term “cholera blanket” and the natives suffered for it. As a kid, my teachers told me that Columbus discovered America, which he didn’t, and made friends with the natives, bridging the gap between Europeans and Native Americans. And I was just excited to get a day off of school but they LIED! Motherfuckers, made me think he was a stand-up guy. We celebrate a guy who landed on an island that sort-of counts as America and was already inhabited, killed all the natives and stole their shit. Why does he get a day? Ted Bundy was a dick and killed a ton of people, why doesn’t he get a day? The system for choosing who gets a holiday must be bizarre…

Fun fact: "...he performed sexual acts with the corpses, until they reached an advanced state of decomposition."

3. Black Friday

Fourth Friday in November

Alright, its the day after Thanksgiving and its a shopping bananza… Boxing day goes with this too. I’m not a huge shopping fan but I understand the appeal of sales blah blah blah. But people get like seriously injured! Whatever you are buying and whatever you are saving cannot be worth this level of bodily harm or the violence needed to acquire it. Every time you throw a competitor to the ground, think about the family they leave behind!

"Bitch, move!"

Hide in your room. That is my advice and that is the basis of this blog post. Don’t kill a person trying to get that new flatscreen TV, instead spend the time you would’ve spent in jail for murder and save up the extra money to make up the difference. Sleep through it or eat leftover mash potatoes (P.S. I lovvvvveeeeee mashed potatoes) This one’s a short one cause it makes sense: don’t kill people for material goods. Its not worth it.

2. Earth Day

April 22nd

Nothing makes you feel guilty like an entire day dedicated to pointing out your wasteful habits. And lets be honest, especially if you’re an American, you consume a lot, drive a lot and just generally fuck up the environment. And get off your high horse, rest of the world, you guys consume a lot of stuff too and most of the world uses machines that aren’t environmentally friendly (I’m looking at you, China).

Hong Kong is in there somewhere...

I live in an area that has just enough money to be pretentious and outspoken about the environment but just ignorant enough to be wrong most of the time. Earth Day is the mother of all days to lecture people about why they, personally, are killing the entire planet. It is tiring… and I’m sorry that I sometimes drive the 5 miles to work by myself but no one I knows is heading in the same area at 3 am and buses don’t run that late. Also, after an entire night of working riding a bike home is like the worst thing I can think of happening. I work weird hours, I’m driving to work! Get over it and lecture the dude with a Hummer limo.

This, my friend, is class.

I hide in my room for the day cause I don’t want to be accosted by another well-meaning citizen with a clipboard, who needs my signature to save the whales or pandas or something. I have signed some of these things but the crazies come out on Earth Day. All of the crazies and not just the environmental ones. College campuses attract the freakiest of people and this includes, my personal favorite, religious extremists. And since it is a free country, they are allowed to say whatever they want, wherever they want to. Earth Day attracts them too since apparently God says you can kill the fuck out of the environment as much as you want. They also give away little New Testaments, which some people (who shall not be mentioned) use for rolling papers. I don’t even like religion and I think that’s disrespectful. Anyway, back to the Earthy people. They like tackle you and try to guilt you into giving money or signing petitions and crap like that. I recycle, I walked to school for like 10 years of my life. Leave me alone!

 1. Valentine’s Day

February 14th

This one is obvious. Its slightly better for people in couples but the pressure is there to buy the perfect gift or to arrange the most romantic date. Your girlfriend will kill you if you don’t take her out to an expensive restaurant or buy her the shiniest jewelery! And if you have a nontraditional chick, being creative and unique can be even harder. That’s mostly for the dudes but females have their issues too. A lot of times there is tremendous pressure to put out on Valentine’s Day and, sometimes, that’s really a problem.

Side note: nothing is more awkward than a new girlfriend or boyfriend right before Valentine’s Day.

Except for this couple who moved kind of fast.

But love is really the focus of this holiday and if you don’t have that special someone Valentine’s Day sucks. Single men can drink beer, play video games and hit up girls who feel lonely. Single women can go with the “single, independent women” Day or cry for the whole night. Either way, its kind of depressing and sleazy, in the case of the men, and the day pretty much just reminds everyone that they’re alone. Just hide from it, actually just hide from the whole month. Its a fact that February is the worst month of the year. Its cold, miserably cold, and school drags on impossibly. Also, Valentine’s Day. So just sleep through the whole month and avoid the violently pink stores and shopping malls. These days, they start decorating for the next holiday as soon as the one before is done so you might have to skip January too cause there’s nothing interesting between New Years and Valentine’s Day.

You know what, just hibernate through the winter but wake up for Christmas and Thanksgiving and just avoid the holidays. April is kind of a mine field too so go on vacation for that month. I heard Italy is nice that time of year.

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