Archive for August, 2011

Weekly Update- 8/29/11

Posted in Weekly Update with tags , , , on August 29, 2011 by Jackal

So we had a hurricane which they named Irene and they hyped it up so ridiculously that I assumed we were going to all get blown away. And since I am currently stuck at my parents house cause I needed to get some stuff, this is the worst hurricane ever. Well okay, it was kind of pussy. We did get our power off but it was because the willow tree down the street blew down. But apparently, according to my mother, willows grow very quickly so they are generally weaker and are blown down easier. So don’t grow a willow tree near your house.

That doesn't look so bad...

But it barely rained here, winds were like 30 mph and it was wicked stupid. Too bad our power went off and my mom is wicked dumb and opened the fridge to look for honey humus… Which she didn’t even find after staring into the open fridge for like a minute. And a minute doesn’t sound like that much but you aren’t supposed to open the fridge in a power outage because it lets all the cold out. If you don’t, then food can last for like 24 hours in there. But wonderful mother apparently wanted some goddamn humus…. Power went off at like 2 pm and stayed off for about 8 hours. We didn’t know when it was going to come back on, our power company said it might be a couple days. Since the fridge had been opened we decided to get rid of all the perishables. We did this by throwing them out or eating them. So we made BLTs, a raspberry pie with whipped cream(since we have a gas stove and oven), a salad and some more stuff.

Needless to say, I won't be eating again for a while.

Then, just as soon as my mother said that I wouldn’t be driving back tomorrow unless the lights came back on right now, they did. Well not really but it was about a minute later and I think that counts. Unfortunately, my mother does not agree and I have to waste away here until she decides to drive me back since I left my car at school. School also starts in like a week and I need some rest time after dealing with my crazy family…

Its a party.

So school starts soon and I have to take some hard classes. Organic Chemistry, Physics and Anatomy are the hard ones but I also have to take Social Psychology and the Evolution of Medicine. Its not exactly the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Anyway, that’s all for this week. BYE!

The 5 Actors I’d Donate a Kidney To

Posted in Jackal's Lists with tags , , , , , , , on August 27, 2011 by Jackal

Sorry this is sooooo late. Its been kind of hectic right now but I have been working on this for a couple days.

It seems like a bold move; offering kidneys to people I’ve never met. Not to mention that I only own two anyways and need at least one to survive. So let’s hope only one of these people are actually ever going to need a kidney and that they have A+ blood-type and has at least 4 matched antigens.

There is nothing funny about this kidney not being in my body.

5. Bryan Cranston

Let’s completely ignore the fact that he’s on an amazing modern show about a chem teacher making meth to support his pregnant wife, disabled son and cancer treatments. That in itself deserves at least a kidney.

Cancer is a good look on you.

This is the man who played the ever-suffering father of Frankie Muniz on Malcolm in the Middle. He tried not to kill himself dealing with fucking Lois and his four (eventually five) ridiculous children. He is the fun dad and the silly one for the entire show despite the terrible adversity he faces. This man deserves some sort of organ and the only spare one I’m willing to part with is a kidney. My favorite episode has to be when he rents a steam roller at night and proceeds to squish random objects with glee.

Hulk SMASH!

4. Paul Rudd

He’s wicked funny. Like crazy hilarious, dry humor. And I know Role Models got shitty reviews but he was crazy funny in it. He does this eyebrow thing that is amazing.

This is Paul Rudd dressed up as Kris Angel.

Also, he’s been in a ton of excellent movies like Anchorman, Knocked Up, I Love you, Man and a ton others. (side note: I hated 40-Year Old Virgin so its not included. Just made me cringe) He’s funny without being overbearing and he’s hilarious whether he’s talking or not. “You look like Babe Ruth’s gay brother… Gabe Ruth.” Can’t beat him so you might as well join him and give him a kidney. On the bright side , he looks pretty healthy and I don’t think he parties that much so maybe he’ll stay in good shape and won’t need a kidney.

60% of the time, it works every time.

 3. Jane Lynch

This woman is beyond awesome and I’m a little ashamed she’s the only woman on this list because women are… you know… amazing. She hasn’t really starred in many things, usually cast as a supporting actress with some serious punch.

I honestly don't even know what to caption this with.

And I don’t watch Glee at all but she’s supposed to be fantastic in that. I think that if I donate my kidney to someone then I fully expect them to make jokes the entire ride to surgery so I don’t have to confront the fact that I’m giving up a kidney. But anyways, she’s in a bunch of good comedies too like Talladega Nights and, again, Role Models. “Me and the judge have a special relationship… I don’t wanna get too graphic but I sucked his dick for drugs.”

Also, she’s going to be in the new, nerdy Spiderman movie, Ultimate Spiderman. I want to assume that she’s playing the villain

This is Jane Lynch. Leaping into action.

Though IMDb informs me she’s playing Aunt May.

2. Will Smith

This one was difficult because I couldn’t decide whether he was going to be 1st or 2nd and when you see #1, you’ll know why.

"I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said, 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'"

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. That’s all you need to get a kidney from me. That show was great and he was what made it so good. Though Geoffrey was also kind of the best. But what pushes Will Smith into the stars and towards my kidney is the stuff he did after that. He didn’t lie down on his mountain of cash or continue to rap friendly white-boy anthems. He made Independence Day.

Welcome to Earth

Watch the damn movie, it was one of the 3 movies (the others were Starship Troopers and Sports Bloopers) my dad had at his place and I spent 3 months watching this movie like everyday. Its got one liners, aliens, Jeff Goldblum, the works. Not to mention The Pursuit of Happyness which was one of the first glimpses of true seriousness for him and, I think, showed that he actually had acting abilities. And I know everyone hated Wild Wild West but I loved that movie… it was so ridiculous and sort of racist and there was a giant mechanical spider!

Feed me!

1. Harrison Ford

This man was Han motherfucking Solo.

I shot first.

He fucked up the Empire and smuggled shit all over the universe. He was also friends with the only black man in the entire universe which has to come with some street cred. And not only that, Harrison Ford played two of the most influential characters like ever. Of course I’m talking about Indiana Jones.

He turned so many men gay...

And we’re ignoring the awful piece of shit that was the latest installment because at this point I suspect that Harrison Ford is generally just high on something. Another reason he deserves a kidney is because he flies helicopters and goes out and saves lost hikers for fun. No joke, this lady gets lost in the woods and Ford volunteers to be part of the search team and actually finds her. Can you imagine losing all hope at surviving and out of the sky comes Indiana Jones!

Han?

Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood

Posted in Video Game of the Week with tags , , , , , , on August 24, 2011 by Jackal

Out for a mid-morning stabbing, are we?

This game came out like a year ago and since the new one is coming out soon (with the same character… sigh) I figured I would review it. And I’m poor and cannot afford a new game/am saving up for Gears of War 3 and Dead Island.

There really is nothing better than zombies.

But anyway, I love the Assassin’s Creed games but Ezio has always been a bit of a sore spot for me. He’s like wicked noticeable as an assassin… he wears like frills and blends in with absolutely no one. Altair may have been kind of boring but he was badass. He just stabbed you in the fucking face and that was the end of it. Ezio runs around and deals with politics and things that aren’t killing people. I suppose it does make a better storyline and a more complex environment. But the title has Assassin in it, not politician. Altair just kills people on the death list and then kills the dude who betrayed him. That was all. Ezio’s a fucking queen.

Though he does grow a rockin' beard.

About the actual game: gameplay is the same but with more add ons and more moves which are, obviously, awesome. Riding is different. You can jump off your horse onto another one or onto a building and assassinate someone directly off its back. But you can’t…er sprint your horse. The button that did it before (A on the Xbox360) now makes you stand up on the horse so its slower. Desmond gets the actual plot development and the Scooby Gang is still kind of annoying.

Lots of hijinks occur.

The most significant update is the assassin recruitment option. You can save various people from soldiers and they offer themselves to you (some are massive assholes and others are inexplicably blonde) and you can train them to send them off on their own missions. It is not even close as exciting as it sounds. You use like a drop down menu to send them on missions and it reminds me of the Text Adventure games where all you got from it was words.

I can definitely see why I paid $60 for this game.

On the bright side, you can call them to help you in fights later but it feels kind of like cheating since they just kill the enemy automatically. Apparently if they aren’t well trained, they can die but I started sending them out immediately and I didn’t have one die (well except for the one I purposefully sent on a mission much too difficult for him. Asshole). Not my favorite part of the game and I was a little disappointed by it.

Apparently, I also bought this game to watch other people having fun.

Overall grade: B+ (mostly because I expected it to be so much better)

Next Game= Oblivion: The Elder Scrolls IV

Time to replay!

Weekly Update- 8/22/11

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on August 22, 2011 by Jackal

So I’m moving into my apartment for the school year. Its kind of taking a long time cause my three other roommates are all moving in at different times and have different bits of furniture.

What do you mean the stripper chair isn't necessary?

Its sort of an interesting process… I brought my bed, some chairs, 2 bookcases, a dresser and a side table. Along with a ton of random other stuff. And the worst part it that the roommate who is moving in last is the one with the TV so I have 2 weeks till school, an Xbox and no TV. I’m going to die of boredom. And my Video Game of the Week segment is going to be lacking. Though I could do a couple on computer games since I do like to play those. Starcraft maybe or Diablo… I liked Sims when I was a kid, maybe I’ll replay that.

My sims had very healthy sex lives.

More news, my roommate has decided that we are not allowed to get a hedgehog because they’re wild animals and its unethical so we’re getting a rescue hedgehog. And yes, they apparently do exist. I don’t know how one becomes a rescue hedgehog or what the previous owners did to it but it will join my pet turtle and hopefully they will not kill each other. And the turtle’s name is Sonic so we have to think of a different name for the hedgehog. So far Deathcry Battlestrike is winning in the poles.

I... I don't know what this is.

Moving on, I saw a musical called Urinetown and it was actually more mature than I thought it would be and a bit depressing. It basically makes fun of every music genre and has a “fourth wall breaking” narrator, which I enjoy. The narrator was also the main policemen and was very good. The premise of the musical is that after a severe drought, private bathrooms are outlawed and it cost money to use the toilet. *Spoiler* The poor people rebel, the leader dies and the daughter of the evil CEO (who was in love with the leader) takes over the company and makes it free. In a twist, despite the asshole nature of the previous CEO, he actually helped save water. So the water dries up and everyone dies. Cheery.

Its the kind of ending you expect from a musical that has a pregnant hooker give birth on stage.

And I think that’s it…

Replacing an Xbox 360 Laser

Posted in What I learned this week. with tags , , , on August 19, 2011 by Jackal

My brother has an electrical engineering degree from Penn State and, needless to say, is good with electronics. And he likes to fuck with them. So when his two roommates offered him two broken Xbox 360s, he took them. Then he came up to visit me.

Like red-ring-of-death broken.

After messing around with them, we decided that one was unfixable but had some good parts and the other one’s disk drive was broken. And by “we” I mean him because, as mentioned before, I’m not exactly a handy kind of person. I have skills in other areas.

Why hello?

After he messed with the firmware and couldn’t figure that out cause they’re kind of old and Microsoft goes out of its way to make things difficult, he decided that the laser was broken. The laser that reads the discs in the disc drive. So this is what I learned how to do: take an Xbox 360 apart without breaking it.

Sort of.

There’s lots of pushing in plastic bits and wedging flat head screw drivers in to pry panels off. But then you pull out the disc drives:

These babies.

And start prying off the panels again. These are metal and involve more screws. Get that done and I wish I had pictures for this part but we already put it back together (I’ll find some on the internet). But you a green errr… chip thing. Sort of a motherboard type object (fuck, I’m bad at this) and you just pull that out, unhooking a couple things. Then you have the laser, moving between two metal poles and you have to unhook one of those poles to slide it off.

Its less impressive than it sounds...

But you have to use an Allen Wrench to unscrew the poles out. I, personally, didn’t know what an Allen Wrench was and my brother informed me it was a hexagon tool and to go look for it. I didn’t exactly come back with the right tool. And then we didn’t have the right size, which meant we went digging for it in his car.

Allen Wrench. In keychain form.

Then we unhook the poles, slide the laser off and, bam!, you have a laser. We each took apart a different disc drive and I was given the one that had the valuable laser and the useless everything else. And despite my tech slowness, I’m actually pretty good at taking things apart so I did figure it out. Then we switched the two and the Xbox 360 works! Which means nothing since I already had a working Xbox…

And that’s what I learned this week.

The 6 Kitchen Utensils You Don’t Need

Posted in Jackal's Lists with tags , , on August 19, 2011 by Jackal

I come from a family of cooks. Everyone in my family has some sort of specialty that they are good at whether its pie making or grilling. So naturally they all ridiculous amounts of kitchen appliances and feel the need to give me them as gifts. This means that I have accumulated crazy amounts of useless objects that almost certainly have a purpose but are sitting at the bottom of the drawer. This clearly means that I don’t need them.

I assure you that this does, in fact, exist.

6. A Tiny Handleless Broom

Even though this is an internet image, I assure you that I own every one of these objects.

Well the tag says Amish Cake Tester but that’s not really helping me figure out what it does. I mean, its pretty self explanatory but then you see the actual utensil and its like a broom. Do I just stab the cake with the broom to see if its done? Does it test the poison content of the batter?

Seems pretty obvious to me...

After some googling, I discovered that you pull off one of the 5″ corn husk straws to stick in your cake. Its literally a box of toothpicks in broom form… “But there are occasions when you might want something longer than a toothpick to test the doneness of a bundt cake or other deep baked good.” (Thank you, Bakingbites.com) This comes up… apparently. I have baked on occasion and rather than snapping a straw off my broom, I use a fork. Its plenty long and its reusable and easy to wash so yay for the environment.

5. Eye Gouger

This has to have a sinister use.

I don’t know if this counts since it doesn’t have a strictly kitchen use though it probably better to use it over some sort of tile. Easier to clean up afterwards. But it was found in the kitchen so its a kitchen utensil.

There is writing on it, “Best oysters in the world” so it could possibly have a less mafia-influenced purpose.

What? I'm on the town softball team.

But despite the fact that I live near enough to the ocean that oysters and their shelly friends are not only an option but a likelihood I don’t think I’ve ever used this. I’m not even really sure how to.. Are you prying the shells apart so you can cook them out of their shells? I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to steam them till the shells open but I don’t think I’ve ever cooked oysters. This is the kind of useless gift that makes me want to demand only money from now on.

4. Mouth Cork

Perfect for the man who has an annoying wife.

Again, no idea what this is. But mouth cork sounds good to be though its probably not comfortable. There are plenty of annoying people I wouldn’t mind muzzling with this handy kitchen utensil. Why is this even on the list?? Its soooo useful. Part of the problem is that I don’t even know what it is for so there’s no way I can use it. This could have been solved by reading the package or the directions but I’m certain that I tore the package off with glee and never saw it again. Its possible I didn’t even read it then.

Manuals are for pussies!

Now that I look at it (my roommates told me) its probably a reusable wine cork. You put the stopper in the top and pull the sides down to secure the cork in the opening of the bottle. But that’s ridiculous! Who doesn’t finish a bottle of wine?!

3. Doll Hair Brush

The Amish are responsible for this!

Another brushing-type thing… I’m not really sure why they like to make things that have bristles and I don’t even know what its actually made out of.

Yum

I’m still not sure what it actually does and no one else seems to know either and the constant stream of randoms as I painstakingly move in proves to be no help. Possibly you brush on a sauce of some kind? Or pet the turkey before you cook it? I doubt it has ever been used and it will probably remain that way until I donate it to a little girl.

2. Fishing Net

Fishing never looked so easy.

This was actually found in a kitchen drawer. Well the less used drawer but that’s where all this stuff has been found. Who knows whats done there… But anyway, this random utensil appears to be a fishing net and a fairly ineffective once since it is very small and has no way of pulling it back in. And fishing is easy! There is literally a show called Hillbilly Handfishin’.

That is where I want to be.

This is bad. Two in a row and I have no idea what this is for. Straining of some sort. It really could be used for anything… How bout you put your mushy fruit in it and then let all the juice drip out so when you make pie its not that liquidy? Clearly, I’m a master baker.

1. Rave Glowstick

This is a sketchy sketchy piece of equipment.

Its got a nice metal end to hold onto while you’re waving the clear part (that I assume glows when prompted) at your rave. This is probably a misplaced item since having a rave in the kitchen seems dangerous and a bit cramped.  But no matter, maybe the kitchen is on the way to the rave so its an easy stop! Another problem is that there aren’t any buttons on it at all and vigorous shaking failed to make an impression on the impenetrable glowstick.

I am not impressed.

There are little holes on the clear side so maybe you grate something. Something that you don’t want the gratey bits of because there doesn’t seem to be a way to get them back out. Or the holes allow drainage and you stab fruit with it?

I got nothing. So I am forced to assume that it is a misplaced, odd-looking glowstick and that it needs to be relocated to the party!

Everything sorted

Posted in Uncategorized on August 18, 2011 by Jackal

I’m trying to get what is posted on what day to be consistent to I’m going to be clear.
Sunday- Weekly Update
Monday- Surviving the Week (This is going to be a bit more random and could come on other days)
Tuesday- Video Game of the Week
Wednesday- Day off
Thursday- Jackal’s Lists
Friday- It looked interesting at the time (may have title change)
Saturday- Day off

Hope it was clear. Thanks!