The 6 Kitchen Utensils You Don’t Need

I come from a family of cooks. Everyone in my family has some sort of specialty that they are good at whether its pie making or grilling. So naturally they all ridiculous amounts of kitchen appliances and feel the need to give me them as gifts. This means that I have accumulated crazy amounts of useless objects that almost certainly have a purpose but are sitting at the bottom of the drawer. This clearly means that I don’t need them.

I assure you that this does, in fact, exist.

6. A Tiny Handleless Broom

Even though this is an internet image, I assure you that I own every one of these objects.

Well the tag says Amish Cake Tester but that’s not really helping me figure out what it does. I mean, its pretty self explanatory but then you see the actual utensil and its like a broom. Do I just stab the cake with the broom to see if its done? Does it test the poison content of the batter?

Seems pretty obvious to me...

After some googling, I discovered that you pull off one of the 5″ corn husk straws to stick in your cake. Its literally a box of toothpicks in broom form… “But there are occasions when you might want something longer than a toothpick to test the doneness of a bundt cake or other deep baked good.” (Thank you, Bakingbites.com) This comes up… apparently. I have baked on occasion and rather than snapping a straw off my broom, I use a fork. Its plenty long and its reusable and easy to wash so yay for the environment.

5. Eye Gouger

This has to have a sinister use.

I don’t know if this counts since it doesn’t have a strictly kitchen use though it probably better to use it over some sort of tile. Easier to clean up afterwards. But it was found in the kitchen so its a kitchen utensil.

There is writing on it, “Best oysters in the world” so it could possibly have a less mafia-influenced purpose.

What? I'm on the town softball team.

But despite the fact that I live near enough to the ocean that oysters and their shelly friends are not only an option but a likelihood I don’t think I’ve ever used this. I’m not even really sure how to.. Are you prying the shells apart so you can cook them out of their shells? I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to steam them till the shells open but I don’t think I’ve ever cooked oysters. This is the kind of useless gift that makes me want to demand only money from now on.

4. Mouth Cork

Perfect for the man who has an annoying wife.

Again, no idea what this is. But mouth cork sounds good to be though its probably not comfortable. There are plenty of annoying people I wouldn’t mind muzzling with this handy kitchen utensil. Why is this even on the list?? Its soooo useful. Part of the problem is that I don’t even know what it is for so there’s no way I can use it. This could have been solved by reading the package or the directions but I’m certain that I tore the package off with glee and never saw it again. Its possible I didn’t even read it then.

Manuals are for pussies!

Now that I look at it (my roommates told me) its probably a reusable wine cork. You put the stopper in the top and pull the sides down to secure the cork in the opening of the bottle. But that’s ridiculous! Who doesn’t finish a bottle of wine?!

3. Doll Hair Brush

The Amish are responsible for this!

Another brushing-type thing… I’m not really sure why they like to make things that have bristles and I don’t even know what its actually made out of.

Yum

I’m still not sure what it actually does and no one else seems to know either and the constant stream of randoms as I painstakingly move in proves to be no help. Possibly you brush on a sauce of some kind? Or pet the turkey before you cook it? I doubt it has ever been used and it will probably remain that way until I donate it to a little girl.

2. Fishing Net

Fishing never looked so easy.

This was actually found in a kitchen drawer. Well the less used drawer but that’s where all this stuff has been found. Who knows whats done there… But anyway, this random utensil appears to be a fishing net and a fairly ineffective once since it is very small and has no way of pulling it back in. And fishing is easy! There is literally a show called Hillbilly Handfishin’.

That is where I want to be.

This is bad. Two in a row and I have no idea what this is for. Straining of some sort. It really could be used for anything… How bout you put your mushy fruit in it and then let all the juice drip out so when you make pie its not that liquidy? Clearly, I’m a master baker.

1. Rave Glowstick

This is a sketchy sketchy piece of equipment.

Its got a nice metal end to hold onto while you’re waving the clear part (that I assume glows when prompted) at your rave. This is probably a misplaced item since having a rave in the kitchen seems dangerous and a bit cramped.  But no matter, maybe the kitchen is on the way to the rave so its an easy stop! Another problem is that there aren’t any buttons on it at all and vigorous shaking failed to make an impression on the impenetrable glowstick.

I am not impressed.

There are little holes on the clear side so maybe you grate something. Something that you don’t want the gratey bits of because there doesn’t seem to be a way to get them back out. Or the holes allow drainage and you stab fruit with it?

I got nothing. So I am forced to assume that it is a misplaced, odd-looking glowstick and that it needs to be relocated to the party!

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