Archive for actors

The 5 Actors I’d Donate a Kidney To

Posted in Jackal's Lists with tags , , , , , , , on August 27, 2011 by Jackal

Sorry this is sooooo late. Its been kind of hectic right now but I have been working on this for a couple days.

It seems like a bold move; offering kidneys to people I’ve never met. Not to mention that I only own two anyways and need at least one to survive. So let’s hope only one of these people are actually ever going to need a kidney and that they have A+ blood-type and has at least 4 matched antigens.

There is nothing funny about this kidney not being in my body.

5. Bryan Cranston

Let’s completely ignore the fact that he’s on an amazing modern show about a chem teacher making meth to support his pregnant wife, disabled son and cancer treatments. That in itself deserves at least a kidney.

Cancer is a good look on you.

This is the man who played the ever-suffering father of Frankie Muniz on Malcolm in the Middle. He tried not to kill himself dealing with fucking Lois and his four (eventually five) ridiculous children. He is the fun dad and the silly one for the entire show despite the terrible adversity he faces. This man deserves some sort of organ and the only spare one I’m willing to part with is a kidney. My favorite episode has to be when he rents a steam roller at night and proceeds to squish random objects with glee.

Hulk SMASH!

4. Paul Rudd

He’s wicked funny. Like crazy hilarious, dry humor. And I know Role Models got shitty reviews but he was crazy funny in it. He does this eyebrow thing that is amazing.

This is Paul Rudd dressed up as Kris Angel.

Also, he’s been in a ton of excellent movies like Anchorman, Knocked Up, I Love you, Man and a ton others. (side note: I hated 40-Year Old Virgin so its not included. Just made me cringe) He’s funny without being overbearing and he’s hilarious whether he’s talking or not. “You look like Babe Ruth’s gay brother… Gabe Ruth.” Can’t beat him so you might as well join him and give him a kidney. On the bright side , he looks pretty healthy and I don’t think he parties that much so maybe he’ll stay in good shape and won’t need a kidney.

60% of the time, it works every time.

 3. Jane Lynch

This woman is beyond awesome and I’m a little ashamed she’s the only woman on this list because women are… you know… amazing. She hasn’t really starred in many things, usually cast as a supporting actress with some serious punch.

I honestly don't even know what to caption this with.

And I don’t watch Glee at all but she’s supposed to be fantastic in that. I think that if I donate my kidney to someone then I fully expect them to make jokes the entire ride to surgery so I don’t have to confront the fact that I’m giving up a kidney. But anyways, she’s in a bunch of good comedies too like Talladega Nights and, again, Role Models. “Me and the judge have a special relationship… I don’t wanna get too graphic but I sucked his dick for drugs.”

Also, she’s going to be in the new, nerdy Spiderman movie, Ultimate Spiderman. I want to assume that she’s playing the villain

This is Jane Lynch. Leaping into action.

Though IMDb informs me she’s playing Aunt May.

2. Will Smith

This one was difficult because I couldn’t decide whether he was going to be 1st or 2nd and when you see #1, you’ll know why.

"I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said, 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'"

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. That’s all you need to get a kidney from me. That show was great and he was what made it so good. Though Geoffrey was also kind of the best. But what pushes Will Smith into the stars and towards my kidney is the stuff he did after that. He didn’t lie down on his mountain of cash or continue to rap friendly white-boy anthems. He made Independence Day.

Welcome to Earth

Watch the damn movie, it was one of the 3 movies (the others were Starship Troopers and Sports Bloopers) my dad had at his place and I spent 3 months watching this movie like everyday. Its got one liners, aliens, Jeff Goldblum, the works. Not to mention The Pursuit of Happyness which was one of the first glimpses of true seriousness for him and, I think, showed that he actually had acting abilities. And I know everyone hated Wild Wild West but I loved that movie… it was so ridiculous and sort of racist and there was a giant mechanical spider!

Feed me!

1. Harrison Ford

This man was Han motherfucking Solo.

I shot first.

He fucked up the Empire and smuggled shit all over the universe. He was also friends with the only black man in the entire universe which has to come with some street cred. And not only that, Harrison Ford played two of the most influential characters like ever. Of course I’m talking about Indiana Jones.

He turned so many men gay...

And we’re ignoring the awful piece of shit that was the latest installment because at this point I suspect that Harrison Ford is generally just high on something. Another reason he deserves a kidney is because he flies helicopters and goes out and saves lost hikers for fun. No joke, this lady gets lost in the woods and Ford volunteers to be part of the search team and actually finds her. Can you imagine losing all hope at surviving and out of the sky comes Indiana Jones!

Han?