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The 5 Actors I’d Donate a Kidney To

Posted in Jackal's Lists with tags , , , , , , , on August 27, 2011 by Jackal

Sorry this is sooooo late. Its been kind of hectic right now but I have been working on this for a couple days.

It seems like a bold move; offering kidneys to people I’ve never met. Not to mention that I only own two anyways and need at least one to survive. So let’s hope only one of these people are actually ever going to need a kidney and that they have A+ blood-type and has at least 4 matched antigens.

There is nothing funny about this kidney not being in my body.

5. Bryan Cranston

Let’s completely ignore the fact that he’s on an amazing modern show about a chem teacher making meth to support his pregnant wife, disabled son and cancer treatments. That in itself deserves at least a kidney.

Cancer is a good look on you.

This is the man who played the ever-suffering father of Frankie Muniz on Malcolm in the Middle. He tried not to kill himself dealing with fucking Lois and his four (eventually five) ridiculous children. He is the fun dad and the silly one for the entire show despite the terrible adversity he faces. This man deserves some sort of organ and the only spare one I’m willing to part with is a kidney. My favorite episode has to be when he rents a steam roller at night and proceeds to squish random objects with glee.


4. Paul Rudd

He’s wicked funny. Like crazy hilarious, dry humor. And I know Role Models got shitty reviews but he was crazy funny in it. He does this eyebrow thing that is amazing.

This is Paul Rudd dressed up as Kris Angel.

Also, he’s been in a ton of excellent movies like Anchorman, Knocked Up, I Love you, Man and a ton others. (side note: I hated 40-Year Old Virgin so its not included. Just made me cringe) He’s funny without being overbearing and he’s hilarious whether he’s talking or not. “You look like Babe Ruth’s gay brother… Gabe Ruth.” Can’t beat him so you might as well join him and give him a kidney. On the bright side , he looks pretty healthy and I don’t think he parties that much so maybe he’ll stay in good shape and won’t need a kidney.

60% of the time, it works every time.

 3. Jane Lynch

This woman is beyond awesome and I’m a little ashamed she’s the only woman on this list because women are… you know… amazing. She hasn’t really starred in many things, usually cast as a supporting actress with some serious punch.

I honestly don't even know what to caption this with.

And I don’t watch Glee at all but she’s supposed to be fantastic in that. I think that if I donate my kidney to someone then I fully expect them to make jokes the entire ride to surgery so I don’t have to confront the fact that I’m giving up a kidney. But anyways, she’s in a bunch of good comedies too like Talladega Nights and, again, Role Models. “Me and the judge have a special relationship… I don’t wanna get too graphic but I sucked his dick for drugs.”

Also, she’s going to be in the new, nerdy Spiderman movie, Ultimate Spiderman. I want to assume that she’s playing the villain

This is Jane Lynch. Leaping into action.

Though IMDb informs me she’s playing Aunt May.

2. Will Smith

This one was difficult because I couldn’t decide whether he was going to be 1st or 2nd and when you see #1, you’ll know why.

"I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said, 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'"

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. That’s all you need to get a kidney from me. That show was great and he was what made it so good. Though Geoffrey was also kind of the best. But what pushes Will Smith into the stars and towards my kidney is the stuff he did after that. He didn’t lie down on his mountain of cash or continue to rap friendly white-boy anthems. He made Independence Day.

Welcome to Earth

Watch the damn movie, it was one of the 3 movies (the others were Starship Troopers and Sports Bloopers) my dad had at his place and I spent 3 months watching this movie like everyday. Its got one liners, aliens, Jeff Goldblum, the works. Not to mention The Pursuit of Happyness which was one of the first glimpses of true seriousness for him and, I think, showed that he actually had acting abilities. And I know everyone hated Wild Wild West but I loved that movie… it was so ridiculous and sort of racist and there was a giant mechanical spider!

Feed me!

1. Harrison Ford

This man was Han motherfucking Solo.

I shot first.

He fucked up the Empire and smuggled shit all over the universe. He was also friends with the only black man in the entire universe which has to come with some street cred. And not only that, Harrison Ford played two of the most influential characters like ever. Of course I’m talking about Indiana Jones.

He turned so many men gay...

And we’re ignoring the awful piece of shit that was the latest installment because at this point I suspect that Harrison Ford is generally just high on something. Another reason he deserves a kidney is because he flies helicopters and goes out and saves lost hikers for fun. No joke, this lady gets lost in the woods and Ford volunteers to be part of the search team and actually finds her. Can you imagine losing all hope at surviving and out of the sky comes Indiana Jones!



The 6 Kitchen Utensils You Don’t Need

Posted in Jackal's Lists with tags , , on August 19, 2011 by Jackal

I come from a family of cooks. Everyone in my family has some sort of specialty that they are good at whether its pie making or grilling. So naturally they all ridiculous amounts of kitchen appliances and feel the need to give me them as gifts. This means that I have accumulated crazy amounts of useless objects that almost certainly have a purpose but are sitting at the bottom of the drawer. This clearly means that I don’t need them.

I assure you that this does, in fact, exist.

6. A Tiny Handleless Broom

Even though this is an internet image, I assure you that I own every one of these objects.

Well the tag says Amish Cake Tester but that’s not really helping me figure out what it does. I mean, its pretty self explanatory but then you see the actual utensil and its like a broom. Do I just stab the cake with the broom to see if its done? Does it test the poison content of the batter?

Seems pretty obvious to me...

After some googling, I discovered that you pull off one of the 5″ corn husk straws to stick in your cake. Its literally a box of toothpicks in broom form… “But there are occasions when you might want something longer than a toothpick to test the doneness of a bundt cake or other deep baked good.” (Thank you, This comes up… apparently. I have baked on occasion and rather than snapping a straw off my broom, I use a fork. Its plenty long and its reusable and easy to wash so yay for the environment.

5. Eye Gouger

This has to have a sinister use.

I don’t know if this counts since it doesn’t have a strictly kitchen use though it probably better to use it over some sort of tile. Easier to clean up afterwards. But it was found in the kitchen so its a kitchen utensil.

There is writing on it, “Best oysters in the world” so it could possibly have a less mafia-influenced purpose.

What? I'm on the town softball team.

But despite the fact that I live near enough to the ocean that oysters and their shelly friends are not only an option but a likelihood I don’t think I’ve ever used this. I’m not even really sure how to.. Are you prying the shells apart so you can cook them out of their shells? I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to steam them till the shells open but I don’t think I’ve ever cooked oysters. This is the kind of useless gift that makes me want to demand only money from now on.

4. Mouth Cork

Perfect for the man who has an annoying wife.

Again, no idea what this is. But mouth cork sounds good to be though its probably not comfortable. There are plenty of annoying people I wouldn’t mind muzzling with this handy kitchen utensil. Why is this even on the list?? Its soooo useful. Part of the problem is that I don’t even know what it is for so there’s no way I can use it. This could have been solved by reading the package or the directions but I’m certain that I tore the package off with glee and never saw it again. Its possible I didn’t even read it then.

Manuals are for pussies!

Now that I look at it (my roommates told me) its probably a reusable wine cork. You put the stopper in the top and pull the sides down to secure the cork in the opening of the bottle. But that’s ridiculous! Who doesn’t finish a bottle of wine?!

3. Doll Hair Brush

The Amish are responsible for this!

Another brushing-type thing… I’m not really sure why they like to make things that have bristles and I don’t even know what its actually made out of.


I’m still not sure what it actually does and no one else seems to know either and the constant stream of randoms as I painstakingly move in proves to be no help. Possibly you brush on a sauce of some kind? Or pet the turkey before you cook it? I doubt it has ever been used and it will probably remain that way until I donate it to a little girl.

2. Fishing Net

Fishing never looked so easy.

This was actually found in a kitchen drawer. Well the less used drawer but that’s where all this stuff has been found. Who knows whats done there… But anyway, this random utensil appears to be a fishing net and a fairly ineffective once since it is very small and has no way of pulling it back in. And fishing is easy! There is literally a show called Hillbilly Handfishin’.

That is where I want to be.

This is bad. Two in a row and I have no idea what this is for. Straining of some sort. It really could be used for anything… How bout you put your mushy fruit in it and then let all the juice drip out so when you make pie its not that liquidy? Clearly, I’m a master baker.

1. Rave Glowstick

This is a sketchy sketchy piece of equipment.

Its got a nice metal end to hold onto while you’re waving the clear part (that I assume glows when prompted) at your rave. This is probably a misplaced item since having a rave in the kitchen seems dangerous and a bit cramped.  But no matter, maybe the kitchen is on the way to the rave so its an easy stop! Another problem is that there aren’t any buttons on it at all and vigorous shaking failed to make an impression on the impenetrable glowstick.

I am not impressed.

There are little holes on the clear side so maybe you grate something. Something that you don’t want the gratey bits of because there doesn’t seem to be a way to get them back out. Or the holes allow drainage and you stab fruit with it?

I got nothing. So I am forced to assume that it is a misplaced, odd-looking glowstick and that it needs to be relocated to the party!

The 10 Most Incompetent People I’ve Ever Met (probably)

Posted in Jackal's Lists with tags , , on August 9, 2011 by Jackal

Sorry I took sort of a hiatus cause I wasn’t liking where it was going and I suddenly got super busy but I decided that I like to blog and I’m going to do it regardless of how many hits I get.

We’ve all done something stupid or messed something up and you tend to remember that mistake over the millions of times you’ve done it correctly. Stupidly easy things like putting on sunglasses can end in a dramatic eye injury and walking up stairs turns into a upward face plant when half the planet needs to use the same flight of stairs. However, these people are so crazy bad at life that I cannot help but document their failure.

10. The Grocery Bagger

My local supermarket usually hires high school students and local crazies to bag the groceries and work the cash register so the quality of bagging is sadly pretty lacking.

This won't end badly...

But its easy, how could you screw that up! And to be honest, I have had good luck with the baggers even the one-armed woman with the crazy eye. Not really… well she does only have one arm though it doesn’t seem to hinder her much. When I was living with my parents, as soon as I could drive I was doing the grocery shopping. This was not a good idea because I would come home with like 5 boxes of Batman fruit snacks or like half a wheel of cheese. I had the power… Now I live in an apartment and I’m poor so I can’t shop that enthusiastically. But I have learned that there are items that shouldn’t be bagged with essentially anything else. Like avocados. They bruise if you look at them hard enough and I generally hover over the bagger to make sure they’re taken care of. Eggs are another obvious one but I also hate when people bag milk because its too heavy and you can’t put anything else in there so its just a waste of a bag.

Anyway, its harder than it looks. So I went one day to the local supermarket and I was paying for the weeks food when I realize that not only has the bagger dropped the egg carton but he is also attempting to stuff the gallon of milk in with my Wheat Thins. No! Bad Bagger! He kept moving things between bags and just generally making a mess of things until the cashier just told him to go on break and took over. I think he tripped when he slunk away, tail between his legs.

I cannot be moved!

9. The Taxi Cab Driver

I went to New York City like a month ago and as always the cabs are glorious in their filth and the drivers are as bad at driving as they are foreign.

And he's pretty foreign. Check out the rockin' beard!

And I’ve been to New York City many times and while I usually take the subway, sometimes you have to take a cab and I’ve met some interesting characters. This cab driver was easily the worst. He was definitely not a newbie cause he spoke with the casual air of someone who had terrified thousands of passengers and narrowly avoided being thrown in jail for vehicular homicide. He was surprisingly not particularly foreign (apparently 95% of cab drivers in NYC are recent immigrants) but was a middle-aged Italian guy with a strong New York accent. He was not winning points for creativity.  But anyway, I should have been warned by how he picked us up, swerving 2 lanes over and splashing a nearby businessman with a puddle. But we got in the cab and off we went. Traffic wasn’t too bad but this man drove like the world was on fire. And I know NYC cab drivers are always like that but this guy was trying to kill people. He took out a stopped car’s bumper and almost took out, no joke, a line of children going to the Met.

Where we're going, we don't need roads...

After much swearing, the man didn’t even get us to the right address. We had to keep reminding him of where we were going (the airport) and he never seemed to know what was going on or why we were hyperventilating. He was also a fan of making these ridiculous turns for apparent “short cuts”.

Somehow I don't think this is going to quicker.

That was by far the most incompetent attribute of this man and it is why he makes this list.

8. The Cross Walk Attendant

When I used to walk to school there would be an old lady in a neon, reflective vest who would help me across the street.

This is not what I mean.

Apparently I am not to be trusted near streets… But they were always old and I can’t imagine they were paid much if at all but they knew what was up. Its another easy task. Don’t let children get hit by cars. And all the ones when I was a kid were perfectly competent and rarely creepy so I was surprised when I was walking down to a friend’s house (Ruby is fine but gas is far too expensive and I don’t like my friends that much) around the same time kids were getting out of school (This was in May so they were still in school). The crossing walk lady took one look at me and deduced (incorrectly) that I needed assistance crossing in the cross walk and proceeded to walk into the middle of the intersection to stop all traffic. I just wanted to cross one road, there was no diagonal traveling going on. I tried to wave her back because the people in the cars were beginning to spout steam but she shouted that I was to get clear of the road. How clear are we talking, lady? I’m on the sidewalk.

Take that, cross walk lady!

She finally got out of the road when I was truly clear of any danger. I started to walk away but this lady put her hand on my arm and tells me that I should buy myself a neon vest also so the cars can see me. Keep in mind that its like 2:30 pm and the sun is shining. I leave but she sees a guy running by with this big mutt. She literally stopped him in the middle of his run to coo at this dog who looks absolutely disgusted with her.

This is not the face of amusement.

I suppose she was just over exuberant about it and just wanted kids to be safe but I can’t help but like the chain smoking cross walk lady better.

7. My friend’s boss- State Representative

My friend is some sort of political/government major which is apparently not as big of a joke as a Political Science major so she was lucky when she got a job as an assistant to a State Representative. Her boss, some random Republican, is a nice guy (I’ve met him) and seems decently intelligent. He is living proof that intelligent people can be incompetent. After some training and jumping through hoops she finally started doing her actual job.

I don't know if its cause I'm just lazy but I would not be willing to do this for any job.

Which is his job. She reads all the bills and goes through all the forms and tells him how to vote. He literally makes no decisions on his own and reads none of the bills. When he does attempt to make decisions on his own, she has to edit his decisions and tell him whether or not his party will be pleased with him. Now she’s a Democrat and in her place I would do a lot more fucking around with him but apparently she is actually competent (fucking overachiever).

6. My Postman

At my old house, I used to have this chick post…er person and she was awesome. We sometimes dog sit for people so the dogs always freaked out at her but she would shove the mail through the slot and then a couple treats and go on her way. And we lived in a duplex so the other part’s door was right next to ours with only slightly different numbers. You think that this would cause problems for her? Nope. We both always got our correct mail, every single time.

Now just get rid of the beard and get him in some sexy postwoman gear and you've got my old postchick.

But we’re not here to listen to my crush on my old postwoman. This is about her replacement. After she ascended into heaven, her replacement would come and give us our mail. Badly. I have no idea if its a difficult job but he was particularly bad at it. We would get our neighbors mail, we would get the guy down the street’s mail and our packages were always fucked up.  My mom got a bowl once and it came completely broken and I’m pretty sure I saw him drop it right in front of me. Didn’t apologize, didn’t even make eye contact.

What am I? A basilisk?

I started just taking all the mail from him before he got to the door and distributing it around. But he still managed to screw up his job. Dropped the mail in a puddle, enraged the dogs, stepped on the flowers, took out my mom’s rose bush, the list goes on and on. Worst postman ever…

5. Dunkin Donuts Cashier

I worked for my aunt briefly and part of my job was to get coffee for everyone in the office. Unfortunately, the awesome local coffee shop had just closed and I was forced to go to Dunkin Donuts. I’m not a snob, I don’t care about the coffee at Dunkin Donuts. Its cheap, yay! But the mob of people there is always horrendous.

Not my first choice in coffee retrieval.

But I went there and ordered like 6 coffees with various amounts of sugar and cream, I had a list. I ordered all the coffees and even handed the guy the piece of paper so it would be easier. Nope, he didn’t want it to be easy. He lost the piece of paper immediately and proceeded to give me 4 different kinds of the wrong iced coffee and plain black coffee for the rest when I didn’t want any black coffee. I finally just gave up trying to correct him and just took the stupid coffee except he lost some of the cups that he had make and had to go look for them. Fuck that guy.

4. Sarah Palin

Alright I’ve never met Sarah Palin but she just looks like she’s bad at whatever it is that she does. She quit her last job and in the short time she actually worked managed to terrorize various people and abuse her power. She seems like a swell person. And I’m not picking on her for any particular reason only that I’ve been seeing Michele Bachmann in the news a lot and since they’re both the same person, I wondered where Palin went.

Also, she kind of freaks me out.

And I’m sorry but Sarah Palin has been painfully bad at her job. Whether its being a parent (hello naming your kid Trig) or being the governor of Alaska, Palin has been lacking in every way. I am biased and I’m a Democrat but I didn’t mind McCain. He seemed like an alright guy and he was pretty moderate but then Sarah Palin came into the picture and because of McCain’s state of decomposition I was a bit concerned…especially with her intelligence. I believe Matt Damon best puts it into words, “I need to know if she really thinks dinosaurs were here 4000 years ago… Because she’s gonna have the nuclear codes.”

I feel the need to give her a message: Ok, Sarah, may I call you Sarah?


Please, please, please run for president. Cause a fucking monkey could beat you in an election.

3. Kid in my High School

I can’t name him cause that would be mean but imagine the ugliest dude you’ve ever seen. An awkward teenager who’s growing hair out of his ears like Rapunzel and constantly smells like he’s rotting. I don’t want to say he’s genetically incompetent cause that’s probably not his fault but there had to be some serious mutation going on to make him.

He's not nearly as badass as this.

The actual reason why he is a fail is because he managed to be so bad at washing himself that he got a staph infection. Twice. Staphylococcus is a group of bacteria that can cause a multitude of infections and most of them aren’t really your fault. But the kind he got, the skin abscess one, you get from not washing correctly. And I’m not talking about skipping a bath every so often kind of incorrectly, its more like never putting soap anywhere near you for about a month. And then sweating a lot. He happened to be on the football team and developed the nastiest, pussy abscess I have ever seen all because he wouldn’t take a goddamn shower. That’s why he’s incompetent.

2. Pre-teens

All of you suck. I’m sorry.

1. Escalator Lady

I was traveling by train one day and I had to change trains along with about 30 other people. We were waiting to go up an escalator when this old lady, supported by a couple family members (I hope she knew them) went up. She fell backwards. And everyone is just kind of standing there as she is being dragged up the escalator on her back most notably this heavy set woman standing next to the emergency stop button.

I feel that this is pretty clear.

And this is why number 1 gets to have the most incompetent person along with the most competent person. An army dude rushes up, past all the standing people and slams the stupid button. He had pushed the heavy set woman out of the way to do it and she was screaming at him. Shut the fuck up, incompetent lady. Then she proceeded to run up the escalator and get in the way of the old woman’s relatives. She was like spotting the people except she was just pushing them whatever way she felt like it.

So I salute you, army dude. I’m sorry the stupid bitch yelled at you but you’re awesome.

The 7 Books You Should Never Read

Posted in Jackal's Lists with tags , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2011 by Jackal

I think I’m going to have every day have a certain topic so every Thursday will have a post with some sort of list. Sunday will probably be a recap of my week or an update on my life so it doesn’t clutter the rest of the posts. It is unlikely that I will post everyday but I’ll try and skip on days that I don’t have anything interesting to say anyway. Who knows what Friday will bring… seriously though I haven’t figured it out yet.

I have taken several literature or English classes over my high school and college career and the only thing that any of them has taught me is that there are books out there that suck more dick than Justin Bieber. But people will insist that they are classics or are absolutely essential to your life as you know it. And they’re not just talking about classics. However, THEY ARE WRONG. And I like to read. I even like the boring stuff; I’m a bit of a history buff. But the books listed below are truly awful. So here they are! Read for you, by me, so you don’t have to.

7. Haroun and the Sea of Stories

by Salman Rushdie

I’m leaving this one at number 7 because its technically a children’s book and really can’t help its awfulness.

Saying that, its terrible. Like stab yourself in the eye terrible except add like 30 more characters and 7 with the same name and you have yourself Haroun and the Sea of Stories. There are seriously like 5 characters with the name, Butt, although one adds an “e” at the end to help differentiate (Thanks Rushdie). The whole story is horribly convoluted and insanely confusing with light sides and dark sides used in ways infinitely less awesome than Star Wars. Proof of this is that they are called Chup and Gup and I’ m honestly not sure which one is which. Only that one wants to destroy all stories and the other one has a genie that turned off his imagination faucet.

So thats what they call them these days...

Thankfully, its pretty short but its soooo confusing and convoluted like the author was purposefully trying to write a book for kids to hate. Wikipedia says he wrote it for his son but I can’t help but think that his kid punched him the nuts afterwards for payback.

6. A Separate Peace

by John Knowles

I read this in my 9th grade English class and part of my hatred of it comes from my teacher’s insatiable desire for homoeroticism. And I got nothing against the gays out there, they party hard and are denied their rights even harder.

This is what all gay people look like, right?

But I do not want to hear about how Gene and Finny got in on all over their school and how Gene liked to admire Finny’s “rippling chest muscles” (possible quote) Maybe they were gay for each other, maybe not. That’s like a one class discussion! Not a 3 week discussion. There are other things to comment on in the book.

And moving on from that tangent. The reason why this book sucks is mostly because of the plot and the polarization of the two main characters. For a brief summary so *SPOILER*: Gene and Finny are best friends but Finny is perfect and Gene is nerdy. Jumping off a tree into a river and Gene maybe pushes Finny off so he fucks up his leg. Oops but its fine cause Finny doesn’t blame him, etc. Later when Gene is accused by this random, also possibly gay, asshole Finny runs away and breaks his leg again. They apologize, hug, make love, whatever but Finny’s bone surgery kills him.

BAM! Finny dies. What the hell is with the bad luck??? Regardless of whether or not Gene pushed Finny off the first thing, he just plain fell down the second. Also, the book is bad cause one character is, no joke, perfect and the other is a conniving bastard who tries to kill his best friend! That’s just bad character development.

I was going to get a picture of kittens for you to make you feel better but this is infinitely better!

5. Wuthering Heights

by Emily Brontë

This one is a classic and that’s why I read it back in like 7th grade. It was a little intense for me at that point but what struck me was that it was an absolute soap opera! Everyone dies at the exact right moment for maximum drama and nothing works out until its the worst possible time.

Look at the seriousness on her face! SHE IS AN ACTRESS!

There are also a ridiculous amount of characters, not helped by the women popping out babies every 5 minutes. And its kind of long book and its stretches over like 30 years so its a lot of time for drama to unfold. There’s like an original family that adopts a gypsy kid who falls in love with the girl but is hated by the boy. The boy takes over the house, screws with the gypsy kid. Girl becomes a lady, ends up with random noble. BABY! Death girl and some more random kids… it just goes on and on. And, honestly, its kind of boring. Its exactly like a soap opera; there’s dramatic music and lots of things are happening but you still don’t really want to watch it.

This is what happens when you Google Wuthering Heights.

And since I really don’t feel like explaining the complexity of this book anymore, we’re moving on!

4. Great Expectations

by Charles Dickens

This is another one of those books with ridiculous plots that makes you feel like you’ve accomplished nothing over the extremely long time it took you to read it. The main character, Pip, starts out poor and goes on this long journey funded *Spoiler* by the convict he freed. His greatest dream was to be high-class and rich because he wanted the snobby rich-girl next door to love him. He ends up finding out the girl is a bitch and falls in love with this random other girl who… wait for it… marries his sister’s (who has brain injury now for some reason) ex-husband. And he ends up alone but apparently with some sort of moral.

The bad part of this book is that Charles Dickens describes everything. And not just things that are going to be used later or are important to the story. I mean like a door that is never opened or a button on a passerby’s coat! He spends pages describing in, admittedly, fantastic detail but it doesn’t even matter so its just makes the book longer. This was another 9th grade book for me and I fucking hated every second of it. It was also a summer reading book so it was being read when there was sun outside and freedom was pulling at my heartstrings. That certainly didn’t help its case.

The plot also sucks. We talked about it. It sucks. Pretty much end of story.

3. The Harry Potter Series

by J.K. Rowling

I know I’m going to get a lot of shit for this but its sort of true. I read them when I was a kid and I loved them, well except when Harry got emo and Rowling started killing every character except for the important ones. They’re probably good for kids as long as they are read at age appropriate times (no 5 year old wants to see Hedwig die… wait till they’re like 15. They’ll be ready then). But Rowling sucks at writing… its completely true and her books are not for adults no matter what her last couple say.

This is like the 4th picture that comes up...

I grew up with these books, my brother and I waited patiently for our letter to Hogwarts for like 5 years, but once you’re an adult please don’t read them. I have no idea why people think they’re so good or how they’ve sold more copies than the fucking Bible. And I’m not going to even go into how I think Harry should’ve fucking died or how she color coded her villains or the fucking TIME TURNER.

Everyone is so stereotypical, all Slytherins are evil and all Gryffindors and good. Who gives a shit about anybody in the other houses, they’re just pussies. Oh, and every time Harry had to defeat something he learned its secret like the day before in class. I don’t know about you but I have never learned anything in school that immediately paid off. Its usually never or I only need it after I forget it. For some reason that just annoyed me.

In case anyone forgot Harry Potter fucked a horse.

2. Twilight Series,

by Stephenie Meyer

I’m on a roll with these modern series but Twilight definitely has to be my least favorite of the two. I liked Harry Potter at some point and as an adult I realized it kind of sucked. Twilight is awful no matter the age or perspective.

Am I honestly the only freaked out by this picture?

I read it before it was cool cause my artsy, in-the-clouds friend told me it was good. I was a bit past the pre-teen faze but I thought I’d give it a shot. It didn’t go well… I’m sure everyone knows the plot by now but its essentially a whiny girl in love with a whiny boy. Add the complete bastardization of vampires and you get the sparkliest piece of crap imaginable. Saying that, I was convinced to read the second one, which involved some intense bartering. This one was actually worse and I only got halfway before I threw the book out the window. So no one can fault me for not doing my homework! I suffered through it.

Twilight is bad because it is some girl’s day dream filled with romance and pining and all the sort of unrealistic shit that pre-teens think about. Only Stephenie Meyer isn’t 12, she’s like 35!  Bella, the main character apparently, spends like half of the second book crying and pining for Edward, shiny vampire. Its seriously like months! I’ve had breakups and I’ve heard of pretty bad ones but I don’t think anyone I know would pine that long. Its not even misogynistic so much as just an example of a pathetic woman. Stephenie literally thinks women should do this but only because they are just sooooo in love with this one guy. Grow a set and move the fuck on. There’s seriously a dude down the street who will bone you…

Why hello...

Also I’m pretty sure the series ends with a baby ripping its way out of Bella’s womb and ^that guy^ having sex with it…

1. Tess of the D’Urbervilles

by Thomas Harding

Back to the classics and this was another book I read for high school, English Lit I believe. This book is long… like really long and boring. Basically, Tess gets raped by her “cousin”, gets preggers, baby dies and a priest won’t bury it cause its a bastard. That sucks but wait, there’s more! So she marries this dude named Angel (I know…) but he finds out she was raped and leaves her for Brazil cause she’s not a virgin. She’s sad, goes to work on a dairy farm for some reason, everything’s alright until she goes to work in the north in fields for like 3 years. This makes her super ill and Angel, in Brazil still, in unable to return because he has like Typhoid or something but he really wants to. By the time he gets back, Tess is dead and he hooks up with her sister… maybe.

Well that's not too bad... She's kinda hot.

The book is actually misogynistic because she was raped and she still thinks its her fault. She blames herself for her douchebag of a husband leaving her and for her problems on the farm, everything! Harding makes her into a weak, simpering character when she should have been a strong role model. Its bad character development and its bad storytelling. Its also incredibly depressing. You spend the whole book feeling sorry for her and getting gradually closer to her happiness and then she fucking dies! Just like that.

It involves men in cloaks but this is what I imagine got her.

It follows Dickens’ example with crazy amounts of descriptions that don’t matter and pages and pages of scenery. Scenery that Tess passes by and never sees again. So its boring and misogynistic and depressing. Don’t read it.

And we’re done! Fuck this was long… Next time it’ll probably be shorter.