Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

This is one sexy sexy elf...

So I replayed Oblivion mostly because I never actually beat it despite sinking about 60 hours into (due mostly to dawdling around) and because Skyrim is coming out.

It looks pretty wicked.

But anyway. I didn’t restart the whole game cause that would be ridiculous. I simply reconnected with a previous character (I made a couple) that was my favorite. I made a dark elf named Kila that was born under the Thief sign and didn’t stray much from that path. When I restarted it she was Listener of the Dark Brotherhood, the Grand Champion of the Arena and high ups in all the others. You might notice that I wasn’t the Grey Fox in the Thief Guild… well its a long story but it pretty must has to do with the fact that the last quest is a bitch and requires hours inside a sewer filled with zombies. I gave up… I was like 16. Not exactly the most focused age ever.

errr... I swear I had nothing to do with this.

I also had only closed like 5 Oblivion gates… there are like 50. So what exactly had I been doing for those 60 hours, you ask. Well apparently not much but I was a Master in quite a few skills like Athletics and Blade. So I guess I had just been wandering around doing side quests for like a really really long time. I did become a vampire and then cure myself within like 15 days so that was sort of productive.

If only this could be cured.

But you aren’t reading this to hear Kila’s life story. This a review, dammit. Oblivion is a good game if you like sprawling, sandbox RPGs. If you’re more of a Modern Warfare kind of guy (fuck you, man. Its not actually realistic.) then you will scoff at the 10 playable species and the ridiculous amount of customization options. There are kind of a lot actually. I had to just ignore the spell customization cause I couldn’t handle that kind of responsibility and Kila wasn’t really a spell kind of person. She was more of a stab in your sleep kind of girl. And when that failed, hack-and-slash was fine. Anyway, there are a lot of spells and levels and you can make your own and your own potions and its nuts. I focused on the quests and finding the weapons I wanted rather than making them or changing them. The soul stones do something with that but at this point I’m using them for paperweights cause I hate customization and I like a challenge.

Something tells me he would be a sore loser.

As always, these things have the weirdest fighting gameplay. Its messed up and awkward and I hate the wild swinging. On the bright side, when I dive out of the way and the other guys sword misses me, it actually misses me. On the cloudy side, sometimes it refuses to let you hit the enemy that is held up by a helpful rock formation. Its glitchy, kind of odd and its not the game’s best feature. But its an RPG, its not supposed to be. The magic is cool and useful but sort of hard to aim.

I swear I was aiming for that deer right there.

The most annoying thing is the darkness. You go into a cave and you can’t see shit. Yes, they give you a torch but it only gives you the illusion that you can see the monster coming straight for you. Honestly, I just knew an enemy was coming when the music started. I even jacked up my lightness but it just made everything washed out. So I relied heavily on the light detecting spell and saving a lot. It made me really avoid caves and since like 95% of quests are in some sort of cave, this naturally led to a lot of ignored quests. I did, however, buy every available horse in the game and like 5 houses so I must have been pretty good at making money.

Items are pretty varied and it gets a bit overwhelming but maybe I’m just too simple for so many choices. I tend to straddle the line of Halo and Oblivion in that I like to shoot things and I love the fucking Battle Rifle but I also like to create a character and watch them grow into horrible, pickpocketing monsters. I suppose Fallout 3 would be a good game for me, and I’ve played it and really liked it, but it doesn’t really have Halo or first person shooter-esque shooting mechanics.

Boom! Headshot.

Alright, well I have to get to bed cause I have an early class tomorrow but I’ll give my final score.

Overall grade: A-

Interesting game with lots and lots of quests, customization and choices but has bulky gameplay and is too damn dark!

Next game: (well Dead Island is out but I have yet to get it cause of school) Fable 3

Let there be suck!

OOps

I’ve been super moving in the rest of my roommates so I’ve been really busy. This apartment thing is kind of rough! I promise I’ll be back on it by Tuesday.
Sorry,
Jackal

Weekly Update- 8/29/11

So we had a hurricane which they named Irene and they hyped it up so ridiculously that I assumed we were going to all get blown away. And since I am currently stuck at my parents house cause I needed to get some stuff, this is the worst hurricane ever. Well okay, it was kind of pussy. We did get our power off but it was because the willow tree down the street blew down. But apparently, according to my mother, willows grow very quickly so they are generally weaker and are blown down easier. So don’t grow a willow tree near your house.

That doesn't look so bad...

But it barely rained here, winds were like 30 mph and it was wicked stupid. Too bad our power went off and my mom is wicked dumb and opened the fridge to look for honey humus… Which she didn’t even find after staring into the open fridge for like a minute. And a minute doesn’t sound like that much but you aren’t supposed to open the fridge in a power outage because it lets all the cold out. If you don’t, then food can last for like 24 hours in there. But wonderful mother apparently wanted some goddamn humus…. Power went off at like 2 pm and stayed off for about 8 hours. We didn’t know when it was going to come back on, our power company said it might be a couple days. Since the fridge had been opened we decided to get rid of all the perishables. We did this by throwing them out or eating them. So we made BLTs, a raspberry pie with whipped cream(since we have a gas stove and oven), a salad and some more stuff.

Needless to say, I won't be eating again for a while.

Then, just as soon as my mother said that I wouldn’t be driving back tomorrow unless the lights came back on right now, they did. Well not really but it was about a minute later and I think that counts. Unfortunately, my mother does not agree and I have to waste away here until she decides to drive me back since I left my car at school. School also starts in like a week and I need some rest time after dealing with my crazy family…

Its a party.

So school starts soon and I have to take some hard classes. Organic Chemistry, Physics and Anatomy are the hard ones but I also have to take Social Psychology and the Evolution of Medicine. Its not exactly the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Anyway, that’s all for this week. BYE!

The 5 Actors I’d Donate a Kidney To

Sorry this is sooooo late. Its been kind of hectic right now but I have been working on this for a couple days.

It seems like a bold move; offering kidneys to people I’ve never met. Not to mention that I only own two anyways and need at least one to survive. So let’s hope only one of these people are actually ever going to need a kidney and that they have A+ blood-type and has at least 4 matched antigens.

There is nothing funny about this kidney not being in my body.

5. Bryan Cranston

Let’s completely ignore the fact that he’s on an amazing modern show about a chem teacher making meth to support his pregnant wife, disabled son and cancer treatments. That in itself deserves at least a kidney.

Cancer is a good look on you.

This is the man who played the ever-suffering father of Frankie Muniz on Malcolm in the Middle. He tried not to kill himself dealing with fucking Lois and his four (eventually five) ridiculous children. He is the fun dad and the silly one for the entire show despite the terrible adversity he faces. This man deserves some sort of organ and the only spare one I’m willing to part with is a kidney. My favorite episode has to be when he rents a steam roller at night and proceeds to squish random objects with glee.

Hulk SMASH!

4. Paul Rudd

He’s wicked funny. Like crazy hilarious, dry humor. And I know Role Models got shitty reviews but he was crazy funny in it. He does this eyebrow thing that is amazing.

This is Paul Rudd dressed up as Kris Angel.

Also, he’s been in a ton of excellent movies like Anchorman, Knocked Up, I Love you, Man and a ton others. (side note: I hated 40-Year Old Virgin so its not included. Just made me cringe) He’s funny without being overbearing and he’s hilarious whether he’s talking or not. “You look like Babe Ruth’s gay brother… Gabe Ruth.” Can’t beat him so you might as well join him and give him a kidney. On the bright side , he looks pretty healthy and I don’t think he parties that much so maybe he’ll stay in good shape and won’t need a kidney.

60% of the time, it works every time.

 3. Jane Lynch

This woman is beyond awesome and I’m a little ashamed she’s the only woman on this list because women are… you know… amazing. She hasn’t really starred in many things, usually cast as a supporting actress with some serious punch.

I honestly don't even know what to caption this with.

And I don’t watch Glee at all but she’s supposed to be fantastic in that. I think that if I donate my kidney to someone then I fully expect them to make jokes the entire ride to surgery so I don’t have to confront the fact that I’m giving up a kidney. But anyways, she’s in a bunch of good comedies too like Talladega Nights and, again, Role Models. “Me and the judge have a special relationship… I don’t wanna get too graphic but I sucked his dick for drugs.”

Also, she’s going to be in the new, nerdy Spiderman movie, Ultimate Spiderman. I want to assume that she’s playing the villain

This is Jane Lynch. Leaping into action.

Though IMDb informs me she’s playing Aunt May.

2. Will Smith

This one was difficult because I couldn’t decide whether he was going to be 1st or 2nd and when you see #1, you’ll know why.

"I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said, 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'"

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. That’s all you need to get a kidney from me. That show was great and he was what made it so good. Though Geoffrey was also kind of the best. But what pushes Will Smith into the stars and towards my kidney is the stuff he did after that. He didn’t lie down on his mountain of cash or continue to rap friendly white-boy anthems. He made Independence Day.

Welcome to Earth

Watch the damn movie, it was one of the 3 movies (the others were Starship Troopers and Sports Bloopers) my dad had at his place and I spent 3 months watching this movie like everyday. Its got one liners, aliens, Jeff Goldblum, the works. Not to mention The Pursuit of Happyness which was one of the first glimpses of true seriousness for him and, I think, showed that he actually had acting abilities. And I know everyone hated Wild Wild West but I loved that movie… it was so ridiculous and sort of racist and there was a giant mechanical spider!

Feed me!

1. Harrison Ford

This man was Han motherfucking Solo.

I shot first.

He fucked up the Empire and smuggled shit all over the universe. He was also friends with the only black man in the entire universe which has to come with some street cred. And not only that, Harrison Ford played two of the most influential characters like ever. Of course I’m talking about Indiana Jones.

He turned so many men gay...

And we’re ignoring the awful piece of shit that was the latest installment because at this point I suspect that Harrison Ford is generally just high on something. Another reason he deserves a kidney is because he flies helicopters and goes out and saves lost hikers for fun. No joke, this lady gets lost in the woods and Ford volunteers to be part of the search team and actually finds her. Can you imagine losing all hope at surviving and out of the sky comes Indiana Jones!

Han?

Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood

Out for a mid-morning stabbing, are we?

This game came out like a year ago and since the new one is coming out soon (with the same character… sigh) I figured I would review it. And I’m poor and cannot afford a new game/am saving up for Gears of War 3 and Dead Island.

There really is nothing better than zombies.

But anyway, I love the Assassin’s Creed games but Ezio has always been a bit of a sore spot for me. He’s like wicked noticeable as an assassin… he wears like frills and blends in with absolutely no one. Altair may have been kind of boring but he was badass. He just stabbed you in the fucking face and that was the end of it. Ezio runs around and deals with politics and things that aren’t killing people. I suppose it does make a better storyline and a more complex environment. But the title has Assassin in it, not politician. Altair just kills people on the death list and then kills the dude who betrayed him. That was all. Ezio’s a fucking queen.

Though he does grow a rockin' beard.

About the actual game: gameplay is the same but with more add ons and more moves which are, obviously, awesome. Riding is different. You can jump off your horse onto another one or onto a building and assassinate someone directly off its back. But you can’t…er sprint your horse. The button that did it before (A on the Xbox360) now makes you stand up on the horse so its slower. Desmond gets the actual plot development and the Scooby Gang is still kind of annoying.

Lots of hijinks occur.

The most significant update is the assassin recruitment option. You can save various people from soldiers and they offer themselves to you (some are massive assholes and others are inexplicably blonde) and you can train them to send them off on their own missions. It is not even close as exciting as it sounds. You use like a drop down menu to send them on missions and it reminds me of the Text Adventure games where all you got from it was words.

I can definitely see why I paid $60 for this game.

On the bright side, you can call them to help you in fights later but it feels kind of like cheating since they just kill the enemy automatically. Apparently if they aren’t well trained, they can die but I started sending them out immediately and I didn’t have one die (well except for the one I purposefully sent on a mission much too difficult for him. Asshole). Not my favorite part of the game and I was a little disappointed by it.

Apparently, I also bought this game to watch other people having fun.

Overall grade: B+ (mostly because I expected it to be so much better)

Next Game= Oblivion: The Elder Scrolls IV

Time to replay!

Weekly Update- 8/22/11

So I’m moving into my apartment for the school year. Its kind of taking a long time cause my three other roommates are all moving in at different times and have different bits of furniture.

What do you mean the stripper chair isn't necessary?

Its sort of an interesting process… I brought my bed, some chairs, 2 bookcases, a dresser and a side table. Along with a ton of random other stuff. And the worst part it that the roommate who is moving in last is the one with the TV so I have 2 weeks till school, an Xbox and no TV. I’m going to die of boredom. And my Video Game of the Week segment is going to be lacking. Though I could do a couple on computer games since I do like to play those. Starcraft maybe or Diablo… I liked Sims when I was a kid, maybe I’ll replay that.

My sims had very healthy sex lives.

More news, my roommate has decided that we are not allowed to get a hedgehog because they’re wild animals and its unethical so we’re getting a rescue hedgehog. And yes, they apparently do exist. I don’t know how one becomes a rescue hedgehog or what the previous owners did to it but it will join my pet turtle and hopefully they will not kill each other. And the turtle’s name is Sonic so we have to think of a different name for the hedgehog. So far Deathcry Battlestrike is winning in the poles.

I... I don't know what this is.

Moving on, I saw a musical called Urinetown and it was actually more mature than I thought it would be and a bit depressing. It basically makes fun of every music genre and has a “fourth wall breaking” narrator, which I enjoy. The narrator was also the main policemen and was very good. The premise of the musical is that after a severe drought, private bathrooms are outlawed and it cost money to use the toilet. *Spoiler* The poor people rebel, the leader dies and the daughter of the evil CEO (who was in love with the leader) takes over the company and makes it free. In a twist, despite the asshole nature of the previous CEO, he actually helped save water. So the water dries up and everyone dies. Cheery.

Its the kind of ending you expect from a musical that has a pregnant hooker give birth on stage.

And I think that’s it…

Replacing an Xbox 360 Laser

My brother has an electrical engineering degree from Penn State and, needless to say, is good with electronics. And he likes to fuck with them. So when his two roommates offered him two broken Xbox 360s, he took them. Then he came up to visit me.

Like red-ring-of-death broken.

After messing around with them, we decided that one was unfixable but had some good parts and the other one’s disk drive was broken. And by “we” I mean him because, as mentioned before, I’m not exactly a handy kind of person. I have skills in other areas.

Why hello?

After he messed with the firmware and couldn’t figure that out cause they’re kind of old and Microsoft goes out of its way to make things difficult, he decided that the laser was broken. The laser that reads the discs in the disc drive. So this is what I learned how to do: take an Xbox 360 apart without breaking it.

Sort of.

There’s lots of pushing in plastic bits and wedging flat head screw drivers in to pry panels off. But then you pull out the disc drives:

These babies.

And start prying off the panels again. These are metal and involve more screws. Get that done and I wish I had pictures for this part but we already put it back together (I’ll find some on the internet). But you a green errr… chip thing. Sort of a motherboard type object (fuck, I’m bad at this) and you just pull that out, unhooking a couple things. Then you have the laser, moving between two metal poles and you have to unhook one of those poles to slide it off.

Its less impressive than it sounds...

But you have to use an Allen Wrench to unscrew the poles out. I, personally, didn’t know what an Allen Wrench was and my brother informed me it was a hexagon tool and to go look for it. I didn’t exactly come back with the right tool. And then we didn’t have the right size, which meant we went digging for it in his car.

Allen Wrench. In keychain form.

Then we unhook the poles, slide the laser off and, bam!, you have a laser. We each took apart a different disc drive and I was given the one that had the valuable laser and the useless everything else. And despite my tech slowness, I’m actually pretty good at taking things apart so I did figure it out. Then we switched the two and the Xbox 360 works! Which means nothing since I already had a working Xbox…

And that’s what I learned this week.

The 6 Kitchen Utensils You Don’t Need

I come from a family of cooks. Everyone in my family has some sort of specialty that they are good at whether its pie making or grilling. So naturally they all ridiculous amounts of kitchen appliances and feel the need to give me them as gifts. This means that I have accumulated crazy amounts of useless objects that almost certainly have a purpose but are sitting at the bottom of the drawer. This clearly means that I don’t need them.

I assure you that this does, in fact, exist.

6. A Tiny Handleless Broom

Even though this is an internet image, I assure you that I own every one of these objects.

Well the tag says Amish Cake Tester but that’s not really helping me figure out what it does. I mean, its pretty self explanatory but then you see the actual utensil and its like a broom. Do I just stab the cake with the broom to see if its done? Does it test the poison content of the batter?

Seems pretty obvious to me...

After some googling, I discovered that you pull off one of the 5″ corn husk straws to stick in your cake. Its literally a box of toothpicks in broom form… “But there are occasions when you might want something longer than a toothpick to test the doneness of a bundt cake or other deep baked good.” (Thank you, Bakingbites.com) This comes up… apparently. I have baked on occasion and rather than snapping a straw off my broom, I use a fork. Its plenty long and its reusable and easy to wash so yay for the environment.

5. Eye Gouger

This has to have a sinister use.

I don’t know if this counts since it doesn’t have a strictly kitchen use though it probably better to use it over some sort of tile. Easier to clean up afterwards. But it was found in the kitchen so its a kitchen utensil.

There is writing on it, “Best oysters in the world” so it could possibly have a less mafia-influenced purpose.

What? I'm on the town softball team.

But despite the fact that I live near enough to the ocean that oysters and their shelly friends are not only an option but a likelihood I don’t think I’ve ever used this. I’m not even really sure how to.. Are you prying the shells apart so you can cook them out of their shells? I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to steam them till the shells open but I don’t think I’ve ever cooked oysters. This is the kind of useless gift that makes me want to demand only money from now on.

4. Mouth Cork

Perfect for the man who has an annoying wife.

Again, no idea what this is. But mouth cork sounds good to be though its probably not comfortable. There are plenty of annoying people I wouldn’t mind muzzling with this handy kitchen utensil. Why is this even on the list?? Its soooo useful. Part of the problem is that I don’t even know what it is for so there’s no way I can use it. This could have been solved by reading the package or the directions but I’m certain that I tore the package off with glee and never saw it again. Its possible I didn’t even read it then.

Manuals are for pussies!

Now that I look at it (my roommates told me) its probably a reusable wine cork. You put the stopper in the top and pull the sides down to secure the cork in the opening of the bottle. But that’s ridiculous! Who doesn’t finish a bottle of wine?!

3. Doll Hair Brush

The Amish are responsible for this!

Another brushing-type thing… I’m not really sure why they like to make things that have bristles and I don’t even know what its actually made out of.

Yum

I’m still not sure what it actually does and no one else seems to know either and the constant stream of randoms as I painstakingly move in proves to be no help. Possibly you brush on a sauce of some kind? Or pet the turkey before you cook it? I doubt it has ever been used and it will probably remain that way until I donate it to a little girl.

2. Fishing Net

Fishing never looked so easy.

This was actually found in a kitchen drawer. Well the less used drawer but that’s where all this stuff has been found. Who knows whats done there… But anyway, this random utensil appears to be a fishing net and a fairly ineffective once since it is very small and has no way of pulling it back in. And fishing is easy! There is literally a show called Hillbilly Handfishin’.

That is where I want to be.

This is bad. Two in a row and I have no idea what this is for. Straining of some sort. It really could be used for anything… How bout you put your mushy fruit in it and then let all the juice drip out so when you make pie its not that liquidy? Clearly, I’m a master baker.

1. Rave Glowstick

This is a sketchy sketchy piece of equipment.

Its got a nice metal end to hold onto while you’re waving the clear part (that I assume glows when prompted) at your rave. This is probably a misplaced item since having a rave in the kitchen seems dangerous and a bit cramped.  But no matter, maybe the kitchen is on the way to the rave so its an easy stop! Another problem is that there aren’t any buttons on it at all and vigorous shaking failed to make an impression on the impenetrable glowstick.

I am not impressed.

There are little holes on the clear side so maybe you grate something. Something that you don’t want the gratey bits of because there doesn’t seem to be a way to get them back out. Or the holes allow drainage and you stab fruit with it?

I got nothing. So I am forced to assume that it is a misplaced, odd-looking glowstick and that it needs to be relocated to the party!

Everything sorted

I’m trying to get what is posted on what day to be consistent to I’m going to be clear.
Sunday- Weekly Update
Monday- Surviving the Week (This is going to be a bit more random and could come on other days)
Tuesday- Video Game of the Week
Wednesday- Day off
Thursday- Jackal’s Lists
Friday- It looked interesting at the time (may have title change)
Saturday- Day off

Hope it was clear. Thanks!

Half Life 2

Let's do this!

So I finally got around to rating this game and even though I’ve played and beaten it before, I was still blown away by how good it was.

Yes, unicorn good.

Since I don’t like spoilers I’ll try and keep them out. This is the 2nd installment of the Half Life series and even though I enjoyed the first one, this was better. What stands out is the storytelling. There are no cutscenes and things are never explained simply.You are living as Gordon Freeman and you are experiencing the story through him. The story itself is complex and interesting and it draws the player in. This is the kind of game that wants people to like it because of its characterization and its events rather than just flash. The beginning is a bit hazy at this point but I remember arriving at what looked to be an immigration center surrounded by miserable people and guards. Things weren’t explained so I messed with the controller till I figured out what the buttons did, throwing random objects and bothering anyone who would talk to me. There was a brief tutorial when you meet the main characters and get your sweet suit but its pretty “figure it out as you play”.

I would wear this all the time if it were socially acceptable.

So Gameplay: its a first person shooter and its not quite as conventional as the Modern Warfare or Halo games and saying that, its not as good. Half Life 2 doesn’t really strive to be a first person shooter but rather a portrayal of a dude that happens to carry around a gun and uses it occasionally. It’s also nice to be able to carry around a shit load of weapons whether or not that is realistic. Ammo is nicely scarce so the game isn’t too easy and its sweet to be rewarded with machine gun rounds after you’ve mowed down the special forces team that has been chasing you for like an hour. The suit (mentioned above) is a Half Life staple and it acts like an energy shield but I feel like it was usually at 0% for me because there were less recharge stations. Maybe I just sucked at it. You get injured quite a bit but there are usually plenty of health packs around so its not too difficult or particularly frustrating.

Healthcare would be so much cheaper if this existed.

There are some driving parts and I won’t ruin them but they’re pretty fun and expansive. They’re each whole levels and were longer than you’d expect them to be. Not gonna lie, I got a bit tired of the level by the end and was pretty ready to get on my two feet again. They did help break up any monotony that has managed to creep up on you but between the crawling in dimly lit sewers and hopping on train cars, I was feeling pretty fulfilled at that point. The driving was a little difficult to get used to for me though I did eventually manage it and enjoyed it. But sliding out of control gets just as old as missing a dearly needed health pack.

I’m not going to go into plot and I’ve already talked about storytelling and characterization (sort of). And honestly, I don’t have that much more to say.

Grade: A

I’m going to go back to school so I’m not going to be able to play games that often so I might rate some games I’ve already played or just talk about ones that I’m excited for.

Next Game= Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood

I know it came out a while ago... shut up, I'm poor.